i have the same doorman on the day shift as the guyi shacked with has on the night shift. he just laughed at me when i came home this AM. FML
"Ever since I killed her kid she be actin' shady." Actual quote overheard at Marine World just now. Oh God.
i can now get sex on a playground off my list of things to do in life.
i've been called drunk 4 times today and it's only 3pm
Sam from lord of the rings is 10 yards away from me, i am creaming myself.
is 69 when you're sideways or up & down? I was on my back & confused.
I just walked by that girl who tried to commit suicide over me in high school. That was weird.
I think I just got a contact from my own exhale. Def dying.
I don't remember what happened but judging from the contents of my pockets it had something to do with potatoes and glo in the dark condoms
As an added bonus, you will have a "25 blowjobs a month" voucher, expiring thirty days after the first initial bj.
I'm so high I would give anything in the world to be inside my lava lamp right now
Do you have any need for a scary clown mask?
DUDE FUCK CALL ME SHE HAS GRANDKIDS
I cannot, in good conscience, let you talk to a guy who wears Chaps and a knit beanie
Jesus fuck. I just hit on him in front of the whole fire department. They hit the sirens and told us to get a room. FML. I can never go back to that fire station again...
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