i just went dwnstairs and there are 5 guys without their shirts on hugging each other. i think i should leave now
Dude, I would hit that so hard that whoever could pull me out would become the king of England
why does being broke make me substitute dinner for vodka, Xanax, and two day old cupcakes? I don't like being fat, jittery and drunk.
My mom wanted me and my brother to have some bonding time before I left for school. Our bonding time consisted of us smokin a few bowls then goin to Red Robin to cure the munchies. Ooo how I love family time :)
You stole a frozen pizza from the freezer, stuffed it in the back of your shirt then proceeded to leave the party.
Maybe he'll be famous someday and I can forget that anything embarrassing may have happened and just say that I fucked that famous guy.
It was going alright when lo and behold Tom the cock blocking tornado hits. He is the only man I know who doesn't want anyone to fuck girls.
Ugh I can't even look at alcohol this weekend, my body needs to heal.
Until you have had Country Grammar stuck in your head whilst writing a Supreme Court brief you've never lived.
BILL GATES DONALD TRUMP LET ME IN NOW
Packing for college has become a game of where did I hide my sex toys.
I dunno that I'd be trusting enough of junkyard tequila to drink it.
Excuse you? I'm an asshole at least 90% of the time. Get it right.
I woke up at 4am because the neighbors cat managed to sneak into my bed. HOW THE FUCK DOES THIS STUFF HAPPEN TO
Spent 38 bucks on dollar wells last night. I'm pretty sure my liver is staging a mutiny right now.
Her dad had just brought down their giant American flag for 4th of July and we fucked on it. I have never been more patriotic
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