im pretty sure vibrators are the best invention since dinosaur chicken nuggets
ugh. my soul tastes like vodka
My farts smell like St. Pauli Girl. Last night was too much for a Monday.
drunk pissing on my closed toilet lid is actually quite a sobering experience
There is a full size piano in the middle of our road. Please tell me you had nothing to do with this.
I just canoed to the bar. I am a skilled drunk paddler.
wait, how does the 20 year old one night stand pregnant girl have a superiority complex?
I'm gonna go to bars and pick up women hopped up on democracy.
I got pushed into some bald man in the pit and spent the next few minutes with my face against his head. Man I love ecstasy.
Desperation looks like a $1 bottle of vodka and warm Cuban tap water.
How hard is it to grasp the concept of 'I lost an impromptu saber bout and so I have to make a macaroni map of Soviet Russi, including Kazicstan'!?
my mom said i came home and fell asleep on the floor. like right in front of her.
I wrote a pretty good eulogy, too. Motherfucker pastor had no sense of comedic timing.
Getting high with your mom, but thinking of you!
He just showed up at my house with a giant box of Trojans and a 6-pack of Yoohoo "for a special treat afterwards". I'm in love.
Randomize
