so literally, as soon as i tripped and fell and hit the floor the earthquake started. hows THAT for a self esteem boost?
I'm surrounded by 3 year olds in tutus. They are far too innocent to be within at least 500 ft of me.
normally i wouldnt have blown him but he was on dawsons creek.. i love dawsons creek.
do you guys have 30-35 shot glasses? because if not, i don't even see a point in me coming
We were walking up the stairs and I asked Dominick what floor the party was on. The cop who had just tried breaking it up was walking down the stairs, drinking a slurpee, and answered, "Third floor."
Come on there are only so many drink coaster sizes nipples in the world
So I'm not dead, but close call. I think I can handle one more bar.
I am making up for a 7 year dry spell so I get a pass and I don't always care if there is a second date. It is like college but with more money and condoms.
What does it say about my expectations if I'm pounding three beers the hour before a date?
So I'm pretty sure I told every one at the party that "I'm going to fuck my pillow pets tonight?"
How do I convince my friend not to get tattoo tributes to her cats?
WHO DOES THAT
I told her it'd send up tons of red flags and she responded by telling me they're her babies. And she's sober.
I've decided to become a librarian so I can drunkenly quote The Mummy and have it be legit.
The guy in the room next to me just offered to hide the next dose of morphine he will get for his broken leg under his tongue and then swap it with me in exchange for a roll of the good toilet paper my parent brought for me last they visited. The psych ward is a lot more hardcore than I thought.
Met the hot new neighbor. She's into country music and giving really good bjs. Latter made up for the former.
We need to stop calling him that. I definitely said “Fuck me harder Swizzle Dick“ while we were doing it and it got weird
He should appreciate that I recommend that corkscrew cock of his! I’m getting him laid
Randomize
