Just sold all of my pants in order to buy tonight's whiskey. Goodbye, high functioning alcoholism. Hello, Dad.
Why is there 6 cases of kwic trip dounuts dumped in my bed? Best 34 dollar wake up of my life
She's sitting on the couch buck naked, eating a cupcake for dinner. I'm breaking new ground as a parent here.
You guys were grinding to YMCA. I knew you were going to hook up with him.
I asked you if you were ok and you said "dude I'm fine, I'm in the recovery position"
I thought he was kidding when he said pretend to be a dunkin donut delivery women. This is the last time I ever role play.
One minute we were getting noise complainted by the security guards the next I was shotgunning a beer with them
We should invent fake asshair for you to wear so you can experience my pain for a day.
Can we agree to not tell mom about this?
This isnt even the most disappointing thing i know about you.
I'm worried my skin won't stretch enough to handle this boner. Then what?
... why is there a bottle of pee on my headboard?
Apparently we don't communicate very well unless we're drunk and/or naked
You've opened Pandora's butthole my friend. There's no going back.
I didn't want to shower, so I shaved my legs in the pool . That drunk .
As your boyfriend, I'm gonna congratulate you on winning that fist fight. But as a cop, I have to tell you to not do that again.
Randomize
