He just screamed at her, "if you pass out i am still having sex with you!!!" In front of the entire party.
I'm blazed at jack in the box and my order number is 420. I wish everything in the world made this much sense.
My mom's mothers day present consisted of a card, chocolate and the rose bush I threw up in as I was getting in last night. She loved it.
Had to awkwardly dig through all my fake ID's to get my real one so I could vote.......Model citizen over here.
Tipped our cab with a photo booth pic of us, a paper dollar, a dollar in quarters, a crest white strip. And a tanning pass valid in boston
i just shaved my vag. i figure it gave me about ten more minutes to drink tomorrow.
Won't anyone wonder why I'm mute, bald, and wearing an eye patch?
I'm off the liquor
You're forefathers are ashamed of you. They didn't struggle to make it to America so that you could become a soft dick
I'd say I'd distract him, but I lose my psychic powers when guys get girlfriends. And by psychic powers I mean taking off my top.
So aparently telling your roommate you're going to spoon them so hard in the public place of their employment is inappropriate
How do I carry myself in a way that says "I swallow"?
It was all fun and games until she said "you're so pretty I wanna punch you in the face" and the proceeded to punch her in the face
I think I should've done my makeup before I took the acid. Because now I just feel silly looking at myself in the mirror
Caitlin, you were laying in your bed feeding your dog ritz chips and singing a whole new world at 4am loud enough your neighbors came over an asked you to stop.
I love my life
I am beginning to doubt your commitment to my making poor choices tonight
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