Your parents are going to be so confused in the morning
More like pissed. but ill be sure to explain my pathological fear of terrorists hiding in the bathtub
I wish i could be there for it
Well, I guess this was as good a night as any to find out I don't know how to use my fire extinguisher.
i rewarded my self with tacobell for not throwing up on any one. MISTAKE
You weren't a difficult drunk to take care of. I just had to stop you from plunging the toilet once or twice.
I fell asleep with all the lights and heat on in the apartment with windows open, Earth Hour is lost on people like me.
After i finished him. He goes "youre a champion"... Then whispers "forever"
How did "late lunch" turn into 8 solid hours of drinking??? I feel like death.
you're the one asking for my vibrator at 4 in the morning so reconsider your life
No he's here. We were watching Harry Potter stoned as shit and he fell asleep with his head in my lap. I'll figure out what to do with him after Harry gives Dobby the sock.
I mean.. listen to "Put It In My Mouth" and you'll get the gist of my voicemail for you.
I had to break it to her that she was not in fact behind the bushes when she peed on the church last night
Literally breaking up to my boyfriend while jamming out to Feraglicious
Like tbh you're not doing anything that screams I'm drunk and yet nothing says I'm going to spend $30 on McDonalds and make out with a stranger like that picture
someday i'll meet a man and who loves me as much as i love getting drunk and starting fires
I've been on the cocaine and semen diet for the last 24 hours, lunch sounds great.
Randomize
