Con: they had to cauterize my wound twice. Pro: The docs agreed I'll be able to get really drunk tonight since I've lost so much blood.
sound pretty economical
i dont know, i woke up and he was going down on me. i guess i can save his number
It was one of those "since we're naked anyway" type situations
I was talking to some girls while you were falling off your bar stool into the person next to you.
His bootycalls folder in his contacts are divided into regions, we should have all become airline pilots.
Turns out that my surprise "happy birthday" drop-in for my dad turned into a "my parents like afternoon sex a lot" realization.
You can't be mad because the taco bell people like me and not you. I'm not the one that puked in front of them.
We drove around last night shotting fireworks out the window while they had sex in the back of his car
He was dressed as a cowboy and he was dancing with my ex roommate. So I took his gun and pistol whipped him with it..then somehow we still slept together..
Btw I have come to the conclusion that we really need to do it in a bed. Like at least once..
Apparently today is power bottom appreciation day
Just bought plan b at 8am. Then the cashier asked if I wanted to donate to the children's miracle network. Fml
We lost. I'mma go home and drink more and do a face mask and wonder why it is that god put me on this Earth to suffer
I'm wearing jeans from 7th grade and drinking a fucking macchiato. This better be a good day.
He passed out in my car.
What's the problem?
HE'S STILL IN MY FUCKING CAR.
Randomize
