My friend's 9-year-old son just informed me that for a cop station, you can't use a shotgun; you have to use a machine gun. Thank you, Grand Theft Auto, for single-handedly corrupting our youth.
His facebook interests include 'unstrapping velcro'.
So can you tell me who's underwear is on the cat?
i never thought it was possible to fit gay, redneck and asian into the same sentence before i met you.
and this wasn't even the first one i'd hooked up with
No matter what you may say to me. You will still be the guy that managed to get his own cum in his hair.
You act like pregaming preseason hockey is a crime. Come on man, get fucked up and watch pucks. It rhymes so well it has to go together. DOS EQUIS Y DEVILS!
I even tried crushing up viagra and putting it in his beer... And the next day he found the package on the counter. I told him it was for my friends husband.
Do you think you're physically and mentally capable of killing me? Because I'd really appreciate it.
I was too hungover to read the menu. I literally pointed at a picture of an advertisement and handed the cashier my card
I'm still a bit day drunk and decided to go for a run. You may get a snapchat of me vomiting soon
We have to do it Saturday and get a thirty. If i remember correctly it takes me 12 beers to become a wizard
He flipped me around so that we could have sex and both watch Die Hard... I think I found my sole mate. Merry Christmas to me!!🎄
Did anyone see us fucking last night on the giant turtle outside downtown Disney?
If sex isn’t mentioned at least three times at the dinner table, I’m not interested...
Is it weird I can only picture you in my heels naked?
Be proud; I'm a versatile boyfriend
Randomize
