This cookie i'm eating tastes like pizza. It was so worth contacting my sister for pot.
You need to stop texting me at SEVEN in the morning. It wakes my one night stands up and makes for the awkward talk way too early.
I'm sure it was awkward. I've never had a professor expose parts of them to me before.
It's kind of hard to say bye to you when you fall asleep on the bar..
My mom would probably be ok with my lifestyle as long as she doesn't see that photo of me doing bong rips in a Jesus costume.
I just found a plastic cup with panties inside of it. Let's play CSI.
He just said his penis sings like Mariah Carey...Im going with drunken.
The sad part is I didn't even want to get laid. I just wanted the emotional connection, but my vagina was screaming "TOUCH ME. TOUCH ME RIGHT NOW BECAUSE MY DADDY ISSUES ARE MUCH DEEPER THAN MY EMOTIONAL NEEDS!" Vodka has a way of getting me out of my emotions and gets me fucked every time.
What part of don't open in front of your kids didn't you understand? Astroglide, magnums, fuzzy handcuffs and a blindfold are going to be hard to explain as friends presents.
I need a moral compass that doesn't always point to dick
I'm fucking blazing boy. 5hr weed sauce kicked in and my entire face feels like an 8ball of gold bond flying down a mountain of Fresh powder. Just gliding.
YOUR STATE IS STUPID
Did you miss a turn again?
WHAT FUCKING IDIOT DECIDED TO DESIGN AN ENTIRE FUCKING STATE WHERE YOU CAN'T MAKE A FUCKING LEFT TURN?!? FUCK NEW JERSEY
Only I could dislocate my ribcage coaching volleyball and still want to get drunk tonight.
Bold words for someone NOT on a unicycle
My dad just invited me to smoke a blunt with him. Parent-child bonding at its finest (and highest).
Randomize
