so I was thinking like, Rob Pattinson could make so much money whoring himself out dressed as Edward Cullen.
yeah, I mean if he's down to fuck a lot of fat chicks and stare at Tiger Beat posters of himself above the bed...
a girl walking in front of me just packed her cigarettes 72 times and yes i counted
how much adderall did you take today?
Does it make me a prostitute if I accepted a Life House concert ticket for giving this guy head?
No. It just means your good at giving head.
I'm drinking red wine & feeding anchovies to the dog. I'm really not picky about what kinda of company I'm in.
there were staples in my comforter. what kind of sex did we even have?
I want a nosebag of coke after my exam. Like what horses have. Coked up horses. No excuses. I love you.
My relaxing drive may end up as a surprise bootycall in Pittsburgh. Don't try to stop me.
My dad just asked Siri to "help me find my daughters dignity."
If you were my daughter, I'd do the same thing.
do you remember when we thought we were both knocked up by the same guy like two days apart and would have half twins? Thats a best friend moment.
Why am I the only one golf clapping for the vomiting girl on the train who just fell of her seat into her own vomit
Come over. I've made 2 dinners and so many cocktails. I'm a 50's housewife with no family.
She told me to pick her up in the corner of shame and self-disgust.
Can you send me the pic of me puking with a quesadilla on my shoulder
Why were you twerking to, "The Wheels on the Bus"?
You left me a note that said "The Earth is blowing up. Bring the Rosé." WTF.
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