At least we lost an hour tonight! Less time to make a fool of myself
I'm twenty-five. I'm too old to be watching my friend throw up in Chipolte Parking lot.
i just walked by a road side game of beer pong? it's gonna be a long day
It's called penis withdraw. Or alcoholism. I get them confused these days.
I guess I just laid down next to him with the entire pot of mac n cheese and started giving him a handie with one hand and eating with the other
Your panties and toothbrush are in your mailbox. just not ready to be with anyone serious. take care.
We just reached that moment of the night when you start making cookie quesadillas. Party on Wayne
We didn't talk. I watched you drop an egg on the floor. And watched you praise your haunted broom.
she's five days sober.....are those consecutive????
5 days not 5 nights... like a bad hotel/vacation deal
People around me are just doing lines of cocaine. Like its no big deal. And I'm just here like.... Y'all want some cheezits?
He came over hammered at four in the morning with roses trying to get me back when my new fling opened the door he just stood there crying for 40mins even after we closed the door
I woke up this morning with a half eaten bagel and an empty pack of imitation crab meat in my bed. This is going to be my response to pick up lines now.
You need to be on (or possibly create) the international emoji committee to address all of these glaring oversights
Omg my brain. Most recent thought: I fucking prayed in the bathroom that the other girl would leave. Prayed to Jesus
dude wtf why are there forks in my wall
does "I AM MAGNETOOOO" ring any bells, because that was you for an entire hour last night
Randomize
