I have no voice and feel like lukewarm beer.
Godddamnit i jsu woke up in oharee. My connecxtion left an hro ago. Thosse flight atttendants can DRinK
my ex gf has sooo many hot friends... i feel like im at a grocery store when on her fb... just shopping around.
Hey. I found $5 in quarters from one of those state quarter collection books. I'm using it for food tomorrow.
there are two kinds of girls in this world: my mom, and sluts.
i should probably find things i have in common with someone besides drinking, before having sex with them
If I started a story with "That three-year-old totally deserved it," would you listen?
After New Year's Eve I will be hibernating my life away. Only wake me up for skiing, schnapps, and sex. In that order.
You fuck like a mechanic. That is the universe telling you that is your true calling. Take this as a sign.
From the guy that lifted you into a fan I'm sorry
this st patricks day sucks
ill send jameson via bank tube 150+ miles
My VP dropped me off at the Strip Club in Houston. Just said "I was never here".
Just taxi'd to the airport holding a zip lock bag of my own vomit. Bachelorette success.
Shower wine is way better than shower beer.
wtf guys I thought we agreed on no more knives. So much for not destroying the house
Randomize
