watching a tv show about cocaine.. just explained to my mom why the test monkey chose coke over food
I just got hit in the face by an old lady love handle.
We each get one free throw up cleaning, no questions asked.
She kept calling me her DD, which I assumed meant designated driver, so I was confused because I don't even have a car. Found out later it means designated dick. It's what her and her friends use as code for the guy they want to hook up with at the end of the night. I feel so used.
almost just walked around my whole building with my bowl in my hand before i remembered 420 isnt a get out of jail free card
my six pack is really starting to show since I started fucking everything that moves
I already ran out of vodka but I have more beer. I just ran naked into the high school party down the street as took all theirs. ...figured no one wants to tackle the naked guy..
Why is there a cash register on top of my car?
Like, I can't stand that bitch, but i genuinely hope she gets the help she needs
God, please protect all woman from micro-penises
Hey man, when I left for work she was laying on the couch naked cuddling your keurig, can you clean that mess up?
He got me to hold his phone, wallet, keys and pants while he hooked up with another girl.
If I wasn't planning on spend the rest of my life with you I wouldn't send you so many nudes, so fucking appreciate it
Everytime after he came, he'd laugh uncontrolably for ten mintutes. He was sober..
The last time we went to a costume party, you walked around in a loincloth with a cross and said you were Jesus. I'm eager to see how much more offensive you can be.
Randomize
