im starting to measure my showers by the number of beers i drink while im in there.
this girl walked outta his room as i was walkin in to scottys and i just say " time for the walk of shame baby! whoooo!". she ran away
I just set a weed brownie on fire in the microwave.
Successful day.
she said shes getting her period tomorrow so she wants to have sex now. i didnt object. it would have been heartless.
ofcourse you didnt.
He insisted that I looked like Kiefer Sutherland, told me he didn't know what to do about it, then hugged me awkwardly.
Still borderline I believe. As bad as this sounds, I feel God owes me one here and should not let his grandmother die till after my birthday
She wants to practice her harmonica skills on my penis
We found you naked curled up in a ball in the closet, using a gorilla suit as a blanket
I'm sorry I compared your vagina to nascar
Teenager with grandparents staying in their room: is to blue balls, as parent waiting for teen to come home safe: is to sleep. You will live- love mom
oh god I've lost the ability to distinguish between 'star trek' and 'the future'
Also, we can't be seen together looking suspicious or sexually satisfied
That girl is like a master class on how to be an unlovable crazy person.
Do you have any idea how awkward it was to type ‘dog twerking’ into google search? Because I don’t think you do.
Did I just pee in the Taco Bell parking lot?
Yep. But do you remember wiping with my quesadilla?
Randomize
