That was the gentlest I've ever been bitten in the face by a dog
plus shes a stripper, ive been with strippers, if you fuck this up your penis will never forgive you
Then he told me he was proud of me for remembering that i blew him that night.. Maybe my drinking is getting out of hand.
I wanna get shitfaced and yell about Tim tebow
They installed a lotion dispenser in the bathroom at work... its like they want me to masturbate on the clock...
When I left you were in the shower in your socks throwing up screaming it was blood but it was "ok" cuz it's recyclable. By the way it was kool aid.
I'm standing at the bottom of the driveway w a sign that says plow me
Wow. Last night.
I knew you were shit blasted when you called me your "sunflower queen"
Whip out the absinthe and the taquitos, this motherfucker just passed the bar.
I tried to open a bottle of wine with toenail clippers last night. So this morning was obviously rough.
I'm owning this being a social human being thing tonight!
Who the fuck is "nick from the beach last year"
No idea hahaha...why?
He just texted me.. Should I ask where I met him?
You tried to pick a fight with a polka band saying that you'd wrap the accordion around their throats
Tonight was a total waste of a shaved vagina
Jack said he hasn't jerked off in like two weeks and he's like a smoldering volcano who wants to bury you like Pompeii with his man gravy
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