Did u get laid? I went and bought lube and fleshlighted it while moaning ur name the whole time.
you thought your balls were fighting each other...
If you were wondering whether I accidentally FaceTime called the undergrad who works for me in lab during a particularly graphic blow job last night, then the answer is yes.
My only regret is not throwing up on the conveyor belt in the dining hall
If you don't want me in your apartment then lock your door better
I have to shower first, I forgot I peed on my feet last night...
Robert just walked in drunk, grabbed my Jameson from me, told me to let him do his thing, and spilled it all over the coffee table. Then he told me to grab a funnel because he was going home.
My boyfriend sold my favorite shoes right off my fucking feet last night outside the bar. It might have played a part in our breakup today.
Your actions as of last night have earned you over thirty new nicknames.
Didn't think the day of being the oldest in a club would be when I'm twenty one. Even the bouncer looked surprised when he ID me.
I should be rewarded with oreos for not turning into a raging cunt.
I just want to bone him one last time before he moves across the country with his new (average looking) girl friend.
I just put condoms in a mason jar because it looked prettier than the box.I think I've peaked.
Ladies night is a gift from god. If it weren't for that, I'd probably be selling my eggs for booze money.
just got back. in my inebriated state i broke an ugly lamp and was sent to the store (still drunk) to get a new one. just spent last half hour in isle 3 of dollar general surounded by more ugly lamps and trying not to throw up on each and every single one.
Randomize
