Approach what situation? Look, I dunno if you think I'm like some lezbo cheetah waitin in some shrubs to pounce on you the second I see you, but I'm not!
well, everyone in my office is getting a nice laugh right now. But seriously... please delete my number
There's an amish chick decked out in amish clothes on a cell phone staring at me.
I just opened up the mens room door to a dude pissing in the urinal and pointing at himself in the mirror
you just knocked on the window of the ambulance and waved at me as we drove away
I feel like somebody took my brain out. Stomped on it with cleats. And then put it back together with a glue stick. Thank you.
I woke up in her bed, she woke up in mine. Apparently there was a miscommunication after the 8th jager bomb.
i wondered why i had so many splinters in my hand, then i went out to my car and remembered id stolen an entire cactus
I wonder what blackout Alex would think of her?
probably "functioning vagina, must touch"
I slapped him but he didn't wake up. He just nuzzled my head, hugged me closer, and smiled.
I mean. I just want to sit in my bed and eat bagels. What's wrong with that?
Nipple rings and loofahs DO NOT mix.
the texts you sent will act as the rosetta stone for all drunk people
When you wake up to a porn star on your couch telling you, you better tell your boyfriend about last night.
Put a Santa hat on my junk. He's wants to be festive too.
And tell your penis that we can hang out tonight for sure.
Randomize
