there was 4 little kids screaming in high pitched voices at the top of their lungs at the sox game and their mom just leaned over to me and said 'if thats not birth control i dont know what is'
We had unprotected sex and she's eating life cereal for breakfast. The universe is telling me get the plan b for her
The bartender just told me he would have me face down in his pillow by the end of the night. I hate when you make me go to gay clubs.
Hey. Hope youre not too hungover. Also, did you put a Christmas tree in my guest bathroom and cover it with condoms?
well I think it'll pretty much be gone by Saturday. On a scale of 1- Snooki's unborn child how much do periods freak you out?
please don't fuck her on my bed i'm too poor for laundry quarters
An we can hold bottles of vodka in our hands singing yo ho a pirates life for me
I can't believe he just friend zoned me like that.
Dude, you're not even gay.
xanax give me strength to not ask where we stand with booty calls
I lost my bar virginty and made out with a dwarf. It was a good night
conclusion from last night: i should wear boob glitter more often
Is it completely inappropriate to base my morning after pill purchase on if they sell coffee or not?
I just got winded making my bed. How do you think the workout plan is going?
I hate when my Bumble matches make it hard for me to stalk them.
The cat just brought me a bottle opener. I think she's my soulmate.
I'd ask how but then you'd tell me.
Randomize
