The only problem is i have violated all potential new years resolutions at the new years party.
You should have seen her outfit yesterday. It was like pretty woman before Richard Gere gave her money to buy a new outfit.
Ran into my prostitute at Costco yesterday. She was with her boyfriend, I was with my kids. Awwwwkward.
it's like a replay of two fridays ago...except not in a motel and i'm not having sex in the shower.
You know me. Don't need roses, just dick and food.
He also informed us that it's rude to shove your tit in someone's mouth. Happy Monday.
It's all good. Going back to my room to try and air out my balls.
How do I enter a double puke and rally into my calorie counter?
my friend was passed out in the bathroom so I threw up in the coffee maker, not the pot the water reservoir that kind of drunk.
I wish I could take a screenshot of how things literally look from my eyeballs right now
you ever just feel like an organ is failing?
I need to buy fuckboy repellant for whenever I think it's a good idea to meet boys I found in tinder
Your skill with memes is vaguely frightening
He pulled out a Plan B pill and handed it to me as I left like it was a party favor. God Bless America.
Hey do you care to explain why there are 3 empty pickle jars next to me when I woke up or do I even wanna know?
Randomize
