they said they heard you say put it in my butt
Guess who won bingo at the senior center and is going to jail all in the same night?
Just thought to myself "I should practice shotgunning a beer before Wednesday." I don't think my GPA is going to like this semester.
Maybe it's just my body's way of telling me I don't need pinky toes. Like I'm the next evolutionary leap or something...
I'm definitely going to class still drunk right now and the freshman dressed as Hugh Heffner last night is texting me. I can't handle this.
Had a dream I beat up niall then madeout with him while snorting coke out of a dragons egg
Whiskey dick is like insurance for making bad decisions
I feel like if anyone knew what an affection erection looked like it would be you
I told her it would be awesome. We are all the same people. One of us would always be drunk, one of us would always be hooking up, and one of us would always be crying into a pancake.
I want to have sex with Will Smith. I guess I have a thing with 90s sitcom stars. Stamos, Joey Lawrence, John Goodman.
He's a fucking ninja- think of the things he can probably do with his dick.
If sex isn’t mentioned at least three times at the dinner table, I’m not interested...
I am so so sorry I bit your butt last night. Twice.
Apparently i disappeared and no one found me until the morning , but i have fifty missed calls
I woke up an hour ago with orange fingers and a condom stuck to my head.. Wtf just happened?
Randomize
