She woke up with blood running down her face and asked the EMS guy where the keg was
It's 5:30am in Vegas and I'm eating McDondalds next to crying prostitutes.....low point.
she gave me one of those friendship bracelets and said as long as I wore it it was like an all-access pass to her vagina
It's official. The summoning powers of my vagina are unmatched by anything in this world.
they had to hand cuff you because you wouldn't stop trying to unzip the paramedic's pants...this is why i love you
I'm stealing this baby.
Well I always support illegal activity but where would you put it?
I don't know. She kept pirouetting across the kitchen while making dinner. I just sat there stoned.
We have a vagina exchange agreement. Neither of us can hook up with any of our own law firm's summer associates. So we have a scout and referral program and invite each other to the other firm's summer events. Criss-cross!! Works every summer.
Just took a shower for the sole purpose of getting off without using my hands... I've reached a new level of summer-lazy.
I should not be this drunk in a place where a girl is wearing a princess dress
Playing Cards Against Humanity with my relatives at Christmas while I'm stoned was a bad idea...
Being a fine ass woman in a world full of fuckboys is the realest struggle I've ever known.
He deserves a nobel prize for his dick-giving abilities. 10/10, would ride again.
You walked in with a bag of weed and asked for a watermelon. For some reason they actually gave you one, and you made it into a perfectly working bong. Two of them offered their girlfriends to you for the night.
It doesn't matter how nice the shirt you wore to the bar was, you still shouldn't have worn it to a job interview
Randomize
