i actually looked down at my cock today and said "whoa buddy, you need a haircut....(grimace) and a shower"
I'm like a new puppy, everybody wants to touch me
why do cheetos always look like penises
Note to self: when drunk try to remember that ctrl, alt and dance doesnt exist on a keyboard.
what part of “beer fountain” do you not understand
You were eating microwaved pad thai out of a solo cup with a pair of scissors....
Funny how often beer equates to second degree burns on some portion of my body.
Exactly how does jacking off in my purse count as a 'early christmas present'?
Well, my mom brought up me being vague about losing my license and she gave me the intervention look. so i left before they could bring out their heartfelt letters...
A client gave me a bottle of vodka today. And he was hot with a beard. It's like he knows my soul.
Btw he dated my mom. You're Eskimo siblings with my mom. Good job.
Do you have any pictures of me mounting animals that aren't on Facebook?
But yesterday I literally met half his family buzzed wearing a cheeta print bathing suit super short shorts and a tiny tank top.. I was like awesome
He pointed at me, then leaned in and said "shes the best at blow jobs" then chris fist pumped him and said "dude, I know"
I felt like I crashed a wedding. Everyone was dressed so nice and I was covered in actual dirt and a little blood.
Randomize
