yo dude i was totally schwabbin last night.
what does that even mean?
you ever see those charles schwabb commercials, where the people are like half cartoon half real.... well yeah i saw that in real life.
Ed hardy makes air fresheners now. Now even the air can be a douchebag.
is it weird that i blow-dry my hair and poop at the same time?
not any weirder than you telling me this at 4 in the morning
He was a level 5 clinger dude i dont need to be told how ridiculously awesome i am all the time, if so id just hang out with my mom
Is it bad that I was more upset about not getting the perfume he told me he had bought for me then the actual breakup?
she just threw a smoke bomb in an elevator and ran down 9 flights of stairs to see it at the bottom.
My spanish isn't great but I'm pretty sure he was calling me a "little monkey" while I was blowing him
Just warning you the last time I had captain Morgan I gave a blow job to a guy that looked like Jesus.
We should give each other good-luck-on-your-finals head in the morning.
She can't brag about all the anal sex she has and then expect me not to awkwardly stare at her boyfriend when she brings him around
I wrote myself a letter, like I think drunk me wants to be pen pals or something
He used a trumpet as a funnel, said something about valve oil, and puked all over the garage.
I'm kinda glad you won't be in Vegas tomorrow because you'd make us go streaking or throw dead animals at them.
Puke-y regrets or just things-seem-far-away regrets?
I'm going to confession for the first time in 6 years. Where do I start, the gay sex or rampant alcoholism?
Randomize
