please stop taking shits in my toilet and leaving them there.
Last night you told her she was rocking the beer gut. Still wondering why you have that black eye?
Was just shown the photos from a professional photoshoot my aunt had for their dog...not drunk enough for this...
Outside the community dumpsters: beer bottles and a carton of orange juice. Looks like we were here.
Can't a girl send out a 4 pm booty call anymore
Are you scared? I basically plan on us looking like giant drunk skittles
Sweetie, don't go home with him. You can do so much better. Everyone else at the bar agrees.
I'd like to bring you 40 virgins and treasure chests of gold to make you feel better
She put a shot in my mouth and then hit me with a pillow..
What's more sad than going to Target to buy Plan B and the new Sam Smith album?
Her hotness level dropped from an 8 to a 2 as soon as I walked into her place. It REEKED of cat piss and there was no litter box and NO CATS.
I think he's only dating me for my ass...
What're you gonna do with the rest of your night?
Probably watching cooking videos and fantasizing about pie
Dude, I'm sorry if you saw me getting head in my truck last night. My bad.
Ahhh the shame of taking out my recycling
Randomize
