U r making out with a 12 year old get ur shit together
last nights makeup is better than no makeup at all.
So... I'm really sorry I tried to sell you to random people in cars last night
You were pretty committed to that cat costume. Between pukes, you would meow and assure people that you just had a hairball you couldn't get out...
You told me when we were leaving the club if I could pin point your nipple through your padded bra you would show me if I was right.
They turned the water off again. Brushed my teeth with whats left from those pitchers of mojitos. So hung over i dont even care.
Sorry about bonging beers with your mom but in all fairness you were late...
I had to explain to my dentist that my tooth was chipped because we designated my mouth as the official way to open beer. I feel like our level of partying is no longer socially acceptable.
My boss just sent an employee on an hour long paid break to pick up weed for our 'staff meeting' tomorrow morning.
Holy. Crap. I just found a hickey on my bikini line. He never got my pants off. WHO IS THIS MYSTICAL HOOKUP WIZARD?
Guess who just got a Christian Beliefs class to seriously discuss the spiritual implications of dolphin rape?
Commuter bitches be judging your sister and her bag fulla wine. It's a motherfucking rosé, bitch!
I swear the toilet was so cold I tried to stand up but my balls wer frozen to it. most awkward five minutes between me and my mom.
She showed me her tits outside Taco Bell....After she flashed the dude working there in an effort to get in.
I got a gay guy to motorboat me. These tits could change the world, I'm telling you.
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