I wish there was a facebook app that filtered my notifications to show only the ones having to do with people who'll fuck me.
then my best friend's brother, boyfriend, and future bro in law showed up at the bar. they asked who i was there with. didn't know if "a 40 year old man" or "my 5th grade teacher" was better answer.
awesome recipe for disaster- bar hopping at the airport
A guy in a big stork costume just came to our meeting to give us condoms and t-shirts telling us not to get pregnant. Only at college
she said "lets play dickbreaker!" and then threw my blackberry at my dick as hard as she could.
im afraid if i stop breathing i will turn into a porcupine
NEW RULE: NO INNAPROPRIATE CHOICES THAT INVOLVE GUNS. I LIKE IT. WRITE THAT DOWN.
Beer vodka and pink lemonade powder mixed together. So. Many. Penises. My vagina will be calling out to them tonight. Coooooooooooooome.
The party got busted because you two got caught having sex on the neighbors trampoline, come on man.
I will no longer accept nudes from you because I met your boyfriend last night and he seems like a nice guy
What did he say?
NOTHING. GODDAMN HIM AND HIS MAGICAL PENIS!
Until you have had Country Grammar stuck in your head whilst writing a Supreme Court brief you've never lived.
BILL GATES DONALD TRUMP LET ME IN NOW
Well... I got her number now... I think she is a dish best served drunk
I know I'm going to throw up tonight it's just a matter of when and where
I don't know who's idea it was to get wine for a frat party but my poor pitiful hung over self really fucking hates them.
Randomize
