if i were to get pulled over right now, the only thing i would be guilty of is listening to 90's Mariah Carey
Now he's talking about how he's writing in a journal because he doesn't remember "his thought patterns when he was in elementary and that's distressing". I'm walking home. Fuck this.
I don't know what happen last night but the fact that it's 9 am and I need to put my dick in something means it didn't go as planned.
the campus cop used the word depravity in our citation.
No dude I got way too drunk to function. 90% sure I tried to FaceTime 911.
I stole something. Which direction out are you guys gonna go
She's on her way over to shave my year round sweater vest into a festive argyle sweater vest. Keeper?
The fact that you're allowing Santa to dry hump your ass is sort of a dealbreaker
there was a keg and pinata at my uncles funeral, and a bunch of scary looking biker dudes showed up to pay their respects. i need to strive to be more like him.
People trash cargo shorts, but I'm like, sorry I had room for beers and you didn't.
WHEN THE HELL DOES ANYTHING IN OUR LIVES *EVER* GO AS PLANNED???
My professor just asked for my number. Not fucking her till after finals though I learned my lesson last time.
He motorboated me, gave me a business card congratulating me on my motorboat, then disappeared into the night.
Find him and marry him.
She moved all of her stuff out while we were gone. Shit in the toilet, and didn’t flush. So yeah it went well.
IM HAMMERED AND JUST HAD CHEESECAKE THAT MADE ME FEEL LIKE NO MAN HAS EVER MADE BE FEEL BEFORE.
Randomize
