'hiiiigh' is saved in my t9 for a reason
I don't know if it's her mysterious past or atrocious grammar, but I think I'm in love.
Her vagina felt like a horse was eating an apple out of my hand..
I woke up in my own vomit, a chunk of cactus in my thigh, shirtless, with jons mom poking at me with a glass of dr pepper and a talk about god....damn alcohol
last night i found out that about 5 of my friends audio recorded us having sex through the bedroom door, then auto tuned it in the tpain app on his iphone.
I wouldnt endorse that guy if he was walking in a walkathon to raise money for a disease i had
at john mayer concert. alone. to many highschool kids. i feel like a drunk chaperone with a pomegranite martini mustache
Things you are not allowed to do while im gone: sell cats on ebay, put cats in freezer again, shave cats like lions, dye cats pink/blue, try to light cats on fire to"wake them up from their nap" agian
My professor complimented me on the well drawn penis on my face then asked if I would like a seat closer to the garbage can.
Fat girl left in a hurry. Possibly had to do with the missing bathroom door in my apartment.
Im shrooming at the foot of a tree on top of a mountain. Feeling fly as fuckin socrates and bon iver.
My arms are still sore. Apparently, lube wrestling is the best workout ever.
Giant stained glass jesus is judging my black pleather pants
I’m the skeleton in his closet, but I only come out on Tuesday and Thursday afternoon and when his wife is out of town
No one can touch me, I'm made of fruit.
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