One of my boys faked an orgasm while fucking a girl tonite, w/ out wearing a condom mind you.
She caught him, and immediately put her clothes on and left.
Kicked off drink for Jesus month by puking in my mouth while talking to my priest...real cool
Michelle found a bong in the garbage and sold it to my mom
im holly from the hills drunk
I don't think I have ever been told that I am "probably too drunk to pet the stingrays" by a cop before.
apparently the dude across the street has been dead for like a month. now I feel bad about pissing on his lawn
He got mauled by a 200lb cement boulder and all he could say in the back of the ambulance is 'I'm so getting laid for this'
Just told him about my threesome. if that doesn't make him want to date me nothing will.
She was standing in the road flagging traffic in a tshirt and boxers. I didn't stop.
All she wanted was a cigarette
I heard him say "bet you won't", look over 10 seconds later and she's blowing him.....looked eloquent under the glow of a camp fire.
his basement wasnt heated so when i asked for a hoodie someone gave me a kimono.. i passed bc who the fuck knows where that shit has been recently
You think I'll get the "I used to stick it to your daughter" discount?
I'd like to thank Vicodin for getting me through family thanksgiving once again.
God yes pancakes and booze sounds like the best night ever.
so this hot guy who looks like brad pitt circa troy era in my physics lab is staring at me right now and it's taking all the willpower I have not to procreate with him right now.
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