Do you ever look at a vegetable and think "that would be awesome to shove up my vagina"?
yeah he didnt know till after their one year. You have no idea how bad i wanna say "dude i sucked on those boobs before you"
I mean, keeping the tube socks on AND taking cell phone pictures that he didn't ask for during sex? that's two strikes kiddo.
I swear every time I make the effort to make my hair look nice, someone jizzes in it.
The guy I fucked last night is well worth up the ass tuition. I just wish I could tell dad thanks!
I didn't realize I was holding it, until I was like, "whose baby is this?"
My shirt is ruined. If I ever get the idea of doing a tequila shot through my nose ever again, shoot me.
she kept asking for a lobster dinner while she was crying. it was actually the most reasonable drunk chick request i've ever heard.
I just googled: how soon can I pee on a stick. What is my life coming to.
he just fluffed my hair and told me I had to dance with him because we were both gingers.
Fly, little bird! Repopulate the ginger race!
Basically all I do anymore is get stoned with my cats, and then we share goldfish.
How I know that I'm single: when I get a save the date for a wedding & I read "& guest" my first thought was does my bottle of Jack Daniels count.
What the fuck i just wanna eat my froot loops and sext in peace. Y'all motherfuckers gotta be loud as shit and break my concentration
This is random but I just wanted to thank you for all the things you taught me sexually in life.
I just saw a guy walking down the street without a shirt on and holding a samari sword....
Randomize
