You want to go to a white party at LAX
Clubs are lame especially themed ones. Im not in a fucking episode of laguna beach
I want you to know that wearing office supplies as jewelry results in waking up with the wrong roommate. Also, strip clubs and vodka don't mix.
i really thought "pants-shitting drunk" was an unreachable level until last night
Just found two Xanax on the floor at the tanning bed. And yes, Im taking them...looks like going to get cancer is paying off
when I woke up I found a half-eaten cherry toaster strudel sandwich with bacon in the middle.
She said she didn't want me watching her give me a bj, so she proceeded to make a "blowjob igloo" out of blankets...
24 hours later and my vagina is still tingling. That good.
This is a mass text to all my friends. Whoever gets this first, please find me and confiscate my phone immediately. I am far too high to have it. Even if you have to punch me in my face to get it. Otherwise, let the "High While Analyzing Disney Movies" texts begin.
Glad I can drunkenly remember to not get tomatoes on my Mexican pizza but can't tell a guy to keep his hands off my ass
It smells like grilled cheese and sexual frustration
Dad is celebrating turning 45 by being drunk in a department store before two o'clock.
Dude.. She just busted into my house wearing a ski mask, a poncho, and thigh-high pink hooker boots and yelled, "THE CABS ARE HEEERRREEE!!"
Hey bro are you still alive??? I'm sure you are wondering how you ended up laying on the floor at the foot of your bed and why there is a wheelchair by your door....
I just broke into my house with a butter knife. It kinda scares me just how easy that was.
He loves blowjobs.. were meant for each other.
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