fyi, take the long route to the library. the "can i be your baby daddy?" homeless man migrated back for winter
Don't leave without me in the morning. I keep scaring everyone cause I'm sleeping in the bathtub.
Just got arrested at PF changs. Happy New year, China
That's the last time you call me to prove to some girl at a bar that you're English. It's bad enough that you actually get to fuck them because of it without having to wake me up to seal the deal.
by the end of the night two people were passed out at the table, three on the couches, and one in the bathroom. it looked like someone pumped sleeping gas into the middle of a dinner party.
So after this weekend I think I'm gonna go down on one knee and propose to my boyfriend that he give me his liver.
I can promise you that this new years eve will rival the one from senior year when we got that exchange student deported.
He wants me to hook up with his fiance while he watches. Text you later with how it goes.
I fell into his fridge. I want to leave.
I'm trying to poop and took acid, this is going to end horrid or wonderful. Oh the amusement park, not the pooping.
I felt like... 50% confused and 50% like a slow roasted flip flop.
Haha it's harder than you'd think to come up with ways to turn your penis into a Christmas drawing
I'm driving home wearing one sock, boxers, and a tee shirt. That's how good it was
Please stop calling me a pterodactyl during sex. It only happens when you're drunk, but still.
He is farting the alphabet right now. In the goddamned restaurant. You don't get to recommend men anymore. Or restaurants for that matter.
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