i told her that i loved her pillow breasts and then she asked me if i wanted to motor boat them. so yea, i do need the room tonite.
Just walked past a girl wearing nothing but flip flops and an oversized sweatshirt crying by the front gates eating pizza. i just found your soulmate.
Well, they emptied out the keg by the third kegstand for America.
wearing my roomate's scarf as a dress...halloween 2011 ladies and gentlemen
I seriously told a stripper I would hold her hand when she goes to get ass implants.
Note to self: Don't go home with a recent divorcee. Semen and tears.
All I am going to say is this: I woke up with lots of bruises on my knees from running around on all fours being a 'dinosaur'. Either girls night in went terribly wrong or terribly right.
I folded my dollar bills into mustaches in preparation for our trip to the strip club
I'm playing drinking games with a boy who looks like Liam Hemsworth. I think I'm fine.
I am a figure skater. You should know better than to let me get drunk near any patches of ice during Olympics season.
I'm in a corner eating carrots and drinking champagne. I've hit a new kind of low.
How is that low? I love carrots.
He literally cried into his tacos and screamed fuck bitches. Don't know if it was the best, or the worst hook up, ever.
So please don't worry, but I need some help getting blood out of my drywall so I can get my security deposit back. I would not ask if the need was not great.
What's rude is him not accepting my blowjob offer. What kind of guy denies that.
I’m tired of his bullshit and premature ejaculation. I’m going to hotel bars and finding a guy who is DTF
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