You were partners with her mom and you began calling her "the Robert Horry of beer pong" You also kept telling her that she was hotter than her daughter.
So we sucessfully lit our bathtub on fire. Thought you should know.
Funny, I didnt know that facebook statuses were for crappy song lyrics
she keeps giving me cups of everbeer.. its everclear and beer mixed. i guess its blackout or backout time
So my grandma sent me a valentines day present of waterproof mascara, tissues, and chocolate. Way to reinforce that I'll be single and depressed on valentines day. Thanks grandma.
I always figured rock bottom would've involved more hookers
I told her we could be friends and she said the last time i told her that we had sex behind a bar at 4am
Monday morning margarita madness at ny house. Yes before wheel of fortune. Yes day drinking.
I got stoned in my snow covered car and pretended I was burried alive
Say hello to your nephew Sir Isaac Meriwether van Catsworth
I'm going to have to start taking your phone after ten. That's when all the cat pictures come
YOHYFONSO!! YOU ONLY HAVE YOUR FIRST ONE NIGHT STAND ONCE!!
it's like that moment that you're driving and realize you're lost except instead of driving i'm just sitting here in my living room drunk, eating a plate of sausages, drinking red wine and just thinking "i'm going to be 28 this year. i know people who are married, with beautiful and well behaved children. where was the wrong turn?"
He's pretending to be my boyfriend so that my family won't bother us when we sneak off to smoke weed
I know you're having some issues right now but can we focus on the gangbang?
i like him enough to wash my sheets.. but not enough to finally get that pink lemonade and vodka slushy stain out of my carpet
Randomize
