When I masturbate I pretend my dick is the slap chop an I'm destroying vegtables. Do you think that's a eating disorder?
so i woke up this morning covered in mail. none of it is mine.
Everytime I think about NYE, my gag reflex kicks in.
and then when she swallowed her birth control with a shot of vodka and looked in my direction, i knew it was time to go.
i was about to cum until he started doing shrek impressions.
He's drinking red wine in a margarita glass. He couldn't be more perfect for me.
Facebook stalking ex-girlfriends who went to rehab. This is my life.
The fact that there are multiple ex-girlfriends who have been to rehab concerns me
Just saw a midget on an elliptical. Epic.
The highlight of the night was when he yelled "WAS THIS CONDOM MADE FOR TODDLERS??"
stalking the twitter feeds of girls who have fucked my current fuck buddy makes me glad we use condoms
My mom just told me she would flash her tits to a cop to get me out of jail, and then we high-fived.
Wrong. I really wanted to see the movie. And she was on top of me like she was riding a mechanical bull. Who am I to complain? I live to serve.
I can't decide which is better: the sex, or remembering that I have ice cream in the freezer after he left
When are your genitals available?
She stopped me mid sex to ask if she could finish my ramen, I've found the one.
Randomize
