i friday night watching house. god, i need a life, friends, and a legitimate fake id.
Listen: if you or anyone else at work finds a starfish in a bowl, just leave it. It'll be gone by next week.
Better yet, if you find it can you put it in the mini-fridge in your office for safe keeping? Spanks.
And if it's going to get me in trouble, maybe just don't mention that I know anything about it.
The only birthday messages I got from men were from my 8th grade boyfriend and the bouncer at our bar. I think I'm doing something wrong in life.
He taught me how to drive a stick by using his dick. He even made the whurrrr noise so I knew when to change gears.
He picked me up for our 1st date and saw my roommate crying on the floor Fabreesing her vagina...
This is the minute she broke up with me. If you're receiving this mass text, you are one for the girls who made me promise to text you at this point.
There was a tour on campus today, and there were two girls i went to high school with in the group. They saw me and ran up to me as i was unlocking my door. when i opened it, kate was laying in a pile of glitter and beer cans. We need to reevaluate.
Hamster emergency. Can u come in here
Thank you. Next to bondage, soft American Apparel t-shirts are the best things you've taught me about.
Ok because I want to set a new world record for how fast I can drink away my Christmas money
She gave me a can of steel reserve to pour on myself in the shower
Just check with her if girls can get blown, that's all.
time to play the game of how much Christmas shopping I can get done before these shrooms kick in
lets face it, we have a liquor cabinet with a designated chocolate shelf
I WANNA... wait, will you kinkshame me?
Nah.
I WANNA KNOW WHAT HE SMELLS LIKE
Randomize
