**i WaNt TO sLaP mY niECe wHO ThINks iT iS cUte tO WriTE LiKE tHiS**
i believe i can now do shots of gasoline with no chaser. its been that kind of summer.
No one wears that much makeup to work unless they are trying to fuck their boss, NO ONE
What are the signs of a concussion? Please don't freak out.
The bank teller laughed at me....I'm apparently that fucking hungover looking
All I wanted was my $85. Judgement free. But nooooo
seis de mayo is my least favoite holiday because i usually spend it in bed sobbing over my poor life decisions from the night before.
can we just pause for one second and address the fact that balls were out last night
I feel bad for his balls. Ive never seen so much sperm. He had to be dying
He just made my one night stand pancakes for breakfast. And I thought living with my ex was going to be weird.
I just literally had a dance party in my closet. I've never been this blazed.
I successfully navigated a full, lengthy interaction with my dad in which he never asked me if I was freshly baked. 10 points.
I just used my vibrator to scratch my back. This being single shit is for the birds
Didn't realize he fucked me in a bed a dog is always in until my face swelled two sizes and I had hives all over my body. This is God's way of punishing me for having amazing sex.
I just had to explain why I ate a whole quart of mac and cheese before 8am. Not a good start to the day
You have a full penis tattoo of a cobra fighting a mongoose, don't you?
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