wanna go halves on a baby?
Dude you just kept yelling "She was my first asain!" right in front of her.
I told a kindergarten student that candy canes are bones of reject elves.
are you excited because you wanna see me or because you wanna get laid?
bc i get to see you. naked.
He knew exactly who I'd slept with after just one look at my crotch. He's like the Sherlock Holmes of cocks.
Is it bad if one of my goals right now is to snort blow through a licorice?
Don't answer that. It is bad.
It is way too early in the summer for me to be coming into work still drunk.
Drunkenly bought a $240 realtor course last night. Apparently even drunk me thinks my future is going nowhere
A little sexual choking never killed anyone. And if it did, they died happy.
It happened again.
What?
I lost in a drinking contest with my 84 year old grandmother. Two years in a row now.
Oh my god there's only so much masturbating one can do before one wants to fucking cry
Just ushered a raccoon across the street so yeah.. Good night
First night in my new apartment and I threw up in front of my neighbors door. Starting off this relationship strong.
Had sex on your trumpet just an fyi.
You made me promise I wouldnt let you play "fuck fuck goose" with a 40 year old ever again.
Randomize
