Just sold all of my pants in order to buy tonight's whiskey. Goodbye, high functioning alcoholism. Hello, Dad.
her name was charlotte except you kept calling her chatroulette and yelling at her to show you her boobs
Oh I also wanted to thank you for leaving your list of porn sites on the coffee table. Very entertaining.
He violated my cat. I was not impressed.
I found a ladder. I don't know where I am. Gonna climb it. I feel like aladin
He blended the pizza with water and drank the whole thing. He is my hangover hero
Whoever owns the butter that i always steal out of the office fridge definitely put THC butter in there this time. Shit just got real.
BEHOLD THE MORNING PIGEON
SANCTIFY THE CHALK TADPOLE
THERE IS NO SOBRIETY. ONLY ZUUL.
A conundrum I think only you would understand: how to classily post "I need a ride to the liquor store" on one's Facebook wall?
Our conversation concluded a weekly schedule of casual sex in between classes.
After last night, I think I need a service animal to monitor the life choices I make when I'm inebriated. A monkey, or a clever dog. Or a really assertive parrot.
you were angry and didn't have anything else to throw so you threw a breakfast burrito...?
If I get laid tonight it will 1.) Prove that the sex gods do in fact exist, and 2.) Show that I am one motherfucking badass bitch.
There were a lot of gay moments in between the Strippers and coke
I’m going to give his broken heart CPR with my vagina
Randomize
