I just had to have my mom look at my penis to figure out what it was. How do you think my day is going?
walk of shame with early morning football tailgaters. niice.
I just want you to know that i just realized your the only friend i dont feel fat around.
He just walked up to be, grabbed my boob and said 'i think they have shrunk' i have no idea who he was.
Like really my mothers day gift is a pic of his dick
He stopped mid-sex to read the subtitles on a Korean movie we had playing in the background.
He better not be in your backpack
I just remember her dragging me inside in a panic saying we needed mentos and popcorn I have no fucking clue how we ended up asleep in her closet.
Pretty sure the guy I hooked up with Saturday gave me a buy one get one free coupon for chipotle. Who said nice guys don't exist?
P.S. If you wake up before noon it still counts as morning sex
Hey, I think I showed you a picture of my nephew while we were fucking last night. Sorry, I know it's weird, I just really love that kid. Again, sorry.
It's all fun and games until your in the alumni campus center puking on the floor
Heard I spat fire in your face last night. Wish I could say that I'm sorry
House vote, we're revoking your 151 privileges
I'm sorry.
I am way to hungover for it to be Thursday.
I just bartered a blowjob for the ex-fiancée's engagement ring. FTW!
Randomize
