Just saw two guys having a lawn mower race, and their girlfriends cheering them on. Get me out of Tehachapi,
Okay, thats embarrasing even by my standards and I've thrown up while wearing a viking hat. just a viking hat.
Fuck. That. I'm gonna get drunker and make them regret they EVER put me at the kids table. I'm a MAN.
Like my mouth was on his pelvis connected to his balls that's how far it was
"Don't get as drunk as I was on my birthday" has been upgraded from a goal for Friday night to a goal for my life in general.
Im about to embark on a date with someone who shit in my car. How did this become my life?
I plan on showing these boobs to so many people that by the end of it ill just have a shirt of beads.
He somehow pantsed the bouncer and tipped him over before cartwheeling and skipping away? Help me find him.
Worrying about "What smells like cat pee?" is so much easier than worrying about "What am I doing with my life?"
Yes I did. Thanks. I was actually an hour and half early. I'm better at public transport than I thought. Guy behind me on the bus is also crying. We compared cry-snot. It was nice in a weird sad way.
I WAS KIDDING ABOUT SLUTEMBER BUT ITS ACTUALLY HAPPENING
Literally had a conversation with the pizza as to why it was a bad idea to reach in the back seat and grab a slice while driving. The pizza was right, it was safer to just wait until I got home.
Having sex with my girlfriend wearing my old Tom Brady jersey on the day he's freed is the closest I'll come to a 3way with Tom
He did a backflip because drugs
Im experiencing the awkward moment after realizing two of my straight female friends have had sex with each other
Randomize
