i just practiced my bj skills on a banana in front of the mirror
its going to be a good night
Just took a celebratory "i havent slept with anyone in this bar" shot. yesssss....
his receeding hairline makes running into him so much less awkward. almost enjoyable actualy
My mom said I should get that 'not fucking anybody' problem fixed.
Damn it, I know in the morning I'm going to regret eating out of the trash...
They put me in charge of something. Why the fuck would you look at me and put me in charge of something while i'm double fisting peach mimosas at a baby shower
He was drinking a long island through his Breathalyzer tube.
Between the walk of shame, bar fight, karaoke, injuries, number of bar check-ins, and variety/quantity of alcohols and Advil consumed, I'd say HookerFest 2012 was a raging success.
The woman in the hospital bed next to me just got diagnosed with flea bites on her vag.
Whaaaaaat? No way.
Now a discussion of pigs vs. dog as carrier.
Ok well hopefully you're not staging an intervention for me at your place because I'm bringing beers
Trying to decide who to DD on the fourth and I came up with a Who's who of guys I've hooked up with in the last month. Not an ideal situation, but I have a feeling it's gonna happen anyway.
I gave him blue balls & ate the last slice of pie so the chances of a second date are slim...
I'm sober now, I ate a whole cantaloupe.
I was not drunk enough for that final.
You made me promise I wouldnt let you play "fuck fuck goose" with a 40 year old ever again.
Randomize
