My birth control alarm just woke me up from my dream where I was pregnant. Thank god.
Her vagina is like Vegas. high traffic and full of glitter.
The dentist told me I have super glue on my teeth. I'm not blaming you I just want to know how that happened
He just kept screaming "I have democratic immunity" as the cops dragged him into the car.
Just took 4 secret shots in his bathroom to not remember him naked.
you did a full monologue with your sober self last night. different voices and everything.
If I don't survive tonitght I would like to thank you for the ricekrispy treats. I am majestic
Remember when we partied so hard that dude died and it cockblocked you hooking up with my sister?
I forgot that happened. That's the second dude that died on a vacation I've been on
Young lesbians are the worst. And also what got me through high school, sooooo
I woke to him laying in the floor puking in a shoe. So I guess we had a good night.
Well, he didn't buy me a birthday present but he sure did give me chlamydia so there's that.
I don't know, we got really drunk and I slapped her with an ear of corn.
He is a real estate investor who’s face I’m going to sit on.
Do you think telling guys I'm majoring in magic is a good pickup line?
I'm eating an ice cream cone and pooping. Don't know how I'm gonna wipe.
Randomize
