4:25 am: I want you here. Ugh.
He keeps looking? I tried to shag. I invited him to this table but he went to ze other one! If he shaves his 'tache I would totally hit it.
I just had my first uncircumcised penis. I kept staring at it like the foreskin was going to fall off on its own.
my phone cant type all the emotion im having
your ability to fuck hot guys even when you go out in sweats amazes me
Hu mahhiw im so tired.i just got done. In fo dleepu. Aaaaaaahh. I qisj my mom filmed me. In axtunf so funny
i swear, as soon as they invent a cure for herpes, he's mine.
Dude I live in a fucking closet and still get laid every weekend. Figure it out.
I'm in the city buying alcohol. I just got warned by a homeless man on the street that I shouldn't look so pretty "in these parts"
i got to hold a baby today and i loved it and i want a baby but actually i'm going to make an appointment to get birth control now.
Getting drunk and falling down, isnt the best way to describe your hobbies, to your new co-workers.
your phone died, so you started bawling in the bar
yeah that sounds like me
Bro.. I am absolutely going to have sex with our old middle school health teacher
if by making eggnog you mean drinking all the spiced rum, then yes, she's making eggnog
Let me just get through this whole court subpoena thing and then ill go back to buying alcohol for minors.
Randomize
