did you hook up austin?
No! he threw up in my bathroom, made me wake up and order him jimmy johns, beat my roommate with a macaroni and cheese box, and then passed out with her in her bed
billy ray cyrus is narrating a show on the history channel. my iq cant decide whether to go up or down.
i think my mom would be mad if i was pregnant. last time i was she grounded me for a week.
i tried slipping money on her dresser whenever she brings guys home hoping she'll start to question her goals in life... i think its only encouraging her
She's making her own pesto again. Cooking spaghetti in the microwave and "frying" vegetables in the toaster oven. All this while wearing the yellow rubber gloves and saying that the pesto has feelings like a real person. Im terrified.
She said she was an education major and you replied with "oh I'm taking a semester off too". And we never saw her again...
i bought another $5 worth of vodka. with change. i look like a homeless alcoholic. i need your dino cups or else i'll be forced to make a giant jello bowl shot
Just bought an airhorn. Bad things will happen.
I just pulled a handful of rice out of my pocket.
That's what you get for drunk dialing me to ask what kind of flowers I like while outside of a strip club, after telling me you "made it rain"
he fed me chocolate as I gave him a handjob. I felt like a princess.
So really what you're asking for is an allowance to not have sex on our futon.
there's a 50/50 chance the night will end in alcohol-induced rituals of satanic nature
I just said "you do you" to my penis.
I need to stop challenging people to taking off clothes. I win too often
Randomize
