I had to puke in a pizza box on the drive home. People saw.
my love horoscope just told me to "say it in frosting" should i take this literally?? i think yes.
It's Monday. What a great day to start the weekend on the week of st. Patricks day
Just found a "how to get laid" book on the dresser and am now a victim of method number 16 corollary 7.
I rode on his Vespa around Florence and fucked him in an empty train. It was like a way sluttier version of Lizzy McGuire
your ex girlfriend just barged in my house, drunk, mumbled something about "car strip", and put a huge hole in my drywall with her head.
I'm drinking Leinenkugel through a Red Vine. I'm not drunk. I'm just happy with my life so far.
I told my manager that I would be coming in to work either high from edibles on purpose or tripping on acid by accident so he knows to check my work tomorrow.
Stop it with the monkey emojis. It's like sexting with Curious George
Also, feel like I need to install a nanny cam to remind myself what I did the night before.
Today I made my parents proud-spent the afternoon floating around in their pool drinking beer-which I would ask my nephews to get for me out of the fridge
Alcohol. Making me feel good about myself since 2008
There better be alcohol at this child's birthday party. Seriously not trying to be entertained by a clown while I'm still sober.
Hey man, he's too drunk to remember what you said. What drugs are we buying and when should we expect them?
AND ONCE AGAIN THE HENNESSEY MAKES ME A SUPER SAIYAN
Oh for fuck's sake, is that why the couch is in the pool???
Randomize
