new number. flushed my phone last night when i puked, made B help me look for it for 2 hours.
This girl wants me to lick her pits
pits??
Yeah pits, I think I still go for it though
Oh no it's bring yor chld to work day...I'm too drunk for this
i dont care if it was her birthday. if she leaves me with a half rack of budweiser and her boyfriend obviously shits gonna go down.
I just helped a group of highschool stoners find a safe place to smoke I feel like a responsible rolemodel
Golf group in front of us has 2 hooker caddies. One guy was getting a lap dance as he waited to tee off. Only in vegas.
Well who could blame her. I would run away from me if I could.
Just as I was applauding myself for the best wing man award, I realized we are going to have to burn our futon.
Seriously babe, why do I keep waking up with bruises on my nipples? WHAT ARE YOU DOING TO ME IN MY SLEEP?
Actually, scratch that, I'm not sure I want to know.
i dont know whats worse..that i woke up in a gorilla suit or that its covered in peanut butter
You know what id love more than anything right now? ..a back rub while eating biscuits and gravy
He left cushions on my floor, chocolate on my bra and unexplained scratches on my thighs. I think this one might get a second date.
Also fuck yeah conspiracy
He literally ejaculated and I hit Uber
I burned my tit while he banged me and it was still the best kitchen sex EVER!!!
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