I forgot i ate a salad for dinner, so while i was barfing in his toilet, i kept screaming "i ate leaves?? i cant believe you let me eat leaves!"
You love popeyes more than me
does delicious chicken come out of your vagina?
So shortly after drunk sex...she starts crying and saying..." you don't care about me, you never do anything nice for me" so I called her a cab
And then he asked me why the subtitles were in Arabic. The television was off.
you started whispering 'the itsy bitsy spider' while you were putting your hands up my shorts.
and then when she swallowed her birth control with a shot of vodka and looked in my direction, i knew it was time to go.
Stop staring at my boobs, I can't concentrate
Well how do you think I feel
fair enough
yeah...i noticed he pets people when he's drunk. It's odd.
she woke me up with a blowjob, mickey mouse pancakes, a mugshot of my ex in county jail, and tequilla. Do you know if she fucked someone behind my back or did i win the vagina lottery?
You know our reunion in two weeks shall be a drunken bikini clad magical adventure right
I just came so hard my vision went blurry. I can only hope one day I'll find a man that can accomplish what my left hand does on a tri-daily basis.
all I know is id definitely throw up if you guys ever dated so if you do stay the fuck away from me
I literally woke up walked into the bathroom, threw up and died this morning. Then went to my 8am.
Well, if you're anything like me you'll get a lot of ass when you turn 30, so that's a plus
If there's one thing I think I could really excel it, it's curating a midlife crisis
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