When i light up a cigarette people look at of like i'm going to pee on their children.
and thats how i got kicked in the balls by micky mouse
I wouldn't really call it 'getting lucky' considering I paid her to do it.
Just so you know, a true one night stands ends with a 7 minute blow job after eating a sandwich she made for you while the taxi you called for her comes
I'm a lady, I can't pee on the ceiling. Even I don't have that power.
I'm more of a 'talk at me while I stare at you' kinda girl.
We were in the middle of a serious discussion about social justice and he pulled sequins out of his teeth and kept talking like nothing had happened.
Nothing says "class act" like eating acid in the middle of a Buffalo Wild Wings
I couldn't find the oven mitts so I used a thick stack of tortillas
Don't make me do math I'm drunk and full of chicken
If you don't respond in the next 30min, I'm going to assume your in a sex coma, in jail, or dead... All of which I've become accustomed to, and will follow the appropriate channels of notification once you notify me.
He was so wasted he lit his sink on fire with shit he found in his room....it was smokeless. Chemistry majors drunk = the coolest shit ever.
not only did I call my ex crying but drunk me also deleted the phone log so I had no warning when I saw him in class
I think my life is a one-way ticket to blackout city.
half way down the stairs my legs said fuck this and i just fell the rest of the way...
Randomize
